Christmas Anxiety

I woke up this morning filled with anxiety. I don't know what upsets me more, the anxiety itself or the fact that I let myself FEEL anxious. I work hard at keeping things simple, peaceful, and meditative, so my belief is that I SHOULDN'T feel anxious.

So why the anxiety? My side of the family is coming over today to celebrate Christmas. Though I'm excited to see them, get hugs and laugh like we always do when we're together, I go to that horrible place that I do when I take on this type of responsibility. Fear that there won't be enough food, the cold stuff will be warm, and the hot stuff will be cold. Someone will be bored. The bottom line is, is that these things happen, and I cannot control what other people feel. However...However, my ego wants perfection, because the little girl inside of me believes that I will be unlovable, that I will not be enough, if my guests are disappointed in any way. Sheesh. That's certainly not giving my family much credit.

I tell women all the time that THEY are enough. Just as they are. I tell them that there is always take-out if the meal fails. It's my job today to tell myself the same thing, to believe that everything will be good enough, but this morning I haven't been able to find that nurturing voice that centers me and lifts the weight off of my shoulders.

It's imperative that I shift my perspective to loving service and joy, rather than self-centered egoism. I am an addict, and if I do not find my center, my focus, I will become unhinged and using will look good to me, a way to alleviate the discomfort my body produces in mass quantities. Today, I choose to be sane, sober and clean...a breath at a time.

So, if we end up going to Burger King, I guess we'll have a hilarious story to tell at future gatherings...It's all good, it will be good, and it will be enough.

Tomorrow, I will shove two fifteen pound birds into my oven, and officially begin the day of my Family Christmas Party. In the past, I have been threatened with commitment to an asylum, crazy as a loon with the to-do list still incomplete on the big day, and my sensitive nervous system on overload. I mean, eyes-rolling-back-in-my-head crazy, shrill voice screeching out orders for my beleaguered family to do, so my house, the meal, THE DAY could be perfect.


Not this year. Not this time. I'm scary peaceful. I'm so focused on the fact that my FAMILY will be here, here in my beautiful home, with ME. I get to listen to their voices, their stories, but especially their laughter. As a group, we laugh loud and long, and hug each other a lot. A really lot! That is what has finally become important to me...if everything else fails, there's always Papa John's Pizza or Burger King. If someone doesn't like creamed corn, I have a can of string beans to heat up. Bottom line is, I have finally realized that I CANNOT control or manipulate someone else's feelings...especially the way THEY feel about ME. I cannot decorate them into admiring me, I cannot cook them into loving me. And whether they admire or love me, really isn't my business at all. What IS my business, is HOW I love THEM.

DING! Simple, really. And yet, it's taken what seems like forever for me to finally get this concept. Am I gonna look a gift horse in the mouth? No way. I'm just going to continue to breathe and look forward to that first hug from the first beloved family member to grace my threshold.

Patience Rewarded

And so it was. I was sitting quietly in the garden of a retreat house, waiting for the retreat leaders to show. Alone, I was concentrating on my breathing. Literally. In. Out. In. Out. My camera was resting on my right thigh, it's weight warming my skin. Waiting. Watching. While I breathed. Then I saw her, off in the distance, dancing merrily amongst the Hydrangeas. My breathing stayed even, if more shallow, willing her to flit closer. I moved only my eyes, hoping she would consider me a part of the landscape.

She buzzed me then. A high pitched chirp complimented the hum of her almost invisible wings. And then my patience payed off...she chose to hover nearby, and I slowly lifted my Canon, clicked it on, exhaled, and found the viewfinder. Inhale. Focus. I smiled, once, and brought the image of my sweet Hummingbaby home. Bingo. She circled the foliage, and rushed away to another adventure.

And I felt blessed.