Christmas Anxiety

I woke up this morning filled with anxiety. I don't know what upsets me more, the anxiety itself or the fact that I let myself FEEL anxious. I work hard at keeping things simple, peaceful, and meditative, so my belief is that I SHOULDN'T feel anxious.

So why the anxiety? My side of the family is coming over today to celebrate Christmas. Though I'm excited to see them, get hugs and laugh like we always do when we're together, I go to that horrible place that I do when I take on this type of responsibility. Fear that there won't be enough food, the cold stuff will be warm, and the hot stuff will be cold. Someone will be bored. The bottom line is, is that these things happen, and I cannot control what other people feel. However...However, my ego wants perfection, because the little girl inside of me believes that I will be unlovable, that I will not be enough, if my guests are disappointed in any way. Sheesh. That's certainly not giving my family much credit.

I tell women all the time that THEY are enough. Just as they are. I tell them that there is always take-out if the meal fails. It's my job today to tell myself the same thing, to believe that everything will be good enough, but this morning I haven't been able to find that nurturing voice that centers me and lifts the weight off of my shoulders.

It's imperative that I shift my perspective to loving service and joy, rather than self-centered egoism. I am an addict, and if I do not find my center, my focus, I will become unhinged and using will look good to me, a way to alleviate the discomfort my body produces in mass quantities. Today, I choose to be sane, sober and clean...a breath at a time.

So, if we end up going to Burger King, I guess we'll have a hilarious story to tell at future gatherings...It's all good, it will be good, and it will be enough.