Christmas Anxiety

I woke up this morning filled with anxiety. I don't know what upsets me more, the anxiety itself or the fact that I let myself FEEL anxious. I work hard at keeping things simple, peaceful, and meditative, so my belief is that I SHOULDN'T feel anxious.

So why the anxiety? My side of the family is coming over today to celebrate Christmas. Though I'm excited to see them, get hugs and laugh like we always do when we're together, I go to that horrible place that I do when I take on this type of responsibility. Fear that there won't be enough food, the cold stuff will be warm, and the hot stuff will be cold. Someone will be bored. The bottom line is, is that these things happen, and I cannot control what other people feel. However...However, my ego wants perfection, because the little girl inside of me believes that I will be unlovable, that I will not be enough, if my guests are disappointed in any way. Sheesh. That's certainly not giving my family much credit.

I tell women all the time that THEY are enough. Just as they are. I tell them that there is always take-out if the meal fails. It's my job today to tell myself the same thing, to believe that everything will be good enough, but this morning I haven't been able to find that nurturing voice that centers me and lifts the weight off of my shoulders.

It's imperative that I shift my perspective to loving service and joy, rather than self-centered egoism. I am an addict, and if I do not find my center, my focus, I will become unhinged and using will look good to me, a way to alleviate the discomfort my body produces in mass quantities. Today, I choose to be sane, sober and clean...a breath at a time.

So, if we end up going to Burger King, I guess we'll have a hilarious story to tell at future gatherings...It's all good, it will be good, and it will be enough.

Tomorrow, I will shove two fifteen pound birds into my oven, and officially begin the day of my Family Christmas Party. In the past, I have been threatened with commitment to an asylum, crazy as a loon with the to-do list still incomplete on the big day, and my sensitive nervous system on overload. I mean, eyes-rolling-back-in-my-head crazy, shrill voice screeching out orders for my beleaguered family to do, so my house, the meal, THE DAY could be perfect.


Not this year. Not this time. I'm scary peaceful. I'm so focused on the fact that my FAMILY will be here, here in my beautiful home, with ME. I get to listen to their voices, their stories, but especially their laughter. As a group, we laugh loud and long, and hug each other a lot. A really lot! That is what has finally become important to me...if everything else fails, there's always Papa John's Pizza or Burger King. If someone doesn't like creamed corn, I have a can of string beans to heat up. Bottom line is, I have finally realized that I CANNOT control or manipulate someone else's feelings...especially the way THEY feel about ME. I cannot decorate them into admiring me, I cannot cook them into loving me. And whether they admire or love me, really isn't my business at all. What IS my business, is HOW I love THEM.

DING! Simple, really. And yet, it's taken what seems like forever for me to finally get this concept. Am I gonna look a gift horse in the mouth? No way. I'm just going to continue to breathe and look forward to that first hug from the first beloved family member to grace my threshold.

Patience Rewarded

And so it was. I was sitting quietly in the garden of a retreat house, waiting for the retreat leaders to show. Alone, I was concentrating on my breathing. Literally. In. Out. In. Out. My camera was resting on my right thigh, it's weight warming my skin. Waiting. Watching. While I breathed. Then I saw her, off in the distance, dancing merrily amongst the Hydrangeas. My breathing stayed even, if more shallow, willing her to flit closer. I moved only my eyes, hoping she would consider me a part of the landscape.

She buzzed me then. A high pitched chirp complimented the hum of her almost invisible wings. And then my patience payed off...she chose to hover nearby, and I slowly lifted my Canon, clicked it on, exhaled, and found the viewfinder. Inhale. Focus. I smiled, once, and brought the image of my sweet Hummingbaby home. Bingo. She circled the foliage, and rushed away to another adventure.

And I felt blessed.

Grown-Up Friendships

I've had the chance to take a look at myself in the role as friend recently, and see that it's still an area where I am sorely lacking.  It was tough having friends when I was a kid, because with such a large family, there was little time to devote to maturing a relationship much past a few months.  My friends then became tired of my "nos" to invites, and usually moved on to others who were more available to play.  There was just too much to do to maintain our family dynamic, and I played a large part by being the oldest.
As an adult, I find that I am better at communicating, but I am saddened at how often I interrupt, or say what's on my mind when silence would be the more gracious, generous gift.  I still do exactly what I hate other's doing to me, not hearing me, or using active listening.  Uggghhhh. My prayer today, is that God guide my words and my silence to be a better friend, a real friend.
Selfishness, self-centeredness.  I sometimes forget that it's not all about me, what I want, what I feel, what I think.  It's time for an ego reduction, methinks.  I have been blessed with so many real, deep, adult friendships (including the friendships with my children), and I am hoping I will grow to adulthood within them.  But I have no control over how long my relationships will last, that too, is in God's hands.  I love the saying "People are in our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime."
I wish to remember that each moment is a blessed one, and that I remain humble enough to recognize the gifts I have been given with each person God has sent my way.  You are all in my prayers today, with many thanks for taking me as I am, the assets and the defects, and hanging in there anyway.

High Heels, Knitting and Estrogen

I have come face to face with being middle aged. What a shock. There just doesn't seem to be enough time to do the things left on my wish list. I'm grateful to have the opportunity to do some traveling this year, and am excited to be free to do basically whatever I want. But, what ever happened to the Gansey sweaters and custom designed clothing I was going to knit and sew (and wear), the landscape quilts I was going to create, the beautiful bevy of Angels I was going to stitch, the porcelain dolls I was going to make and hand down? How 'bout the knit shop I wanted to own, the children's books I was gonna write, the voice over work I was gonna get? I look in the mirror and see the legs that are still good (especially in heels), but good "for my age". I used to be complimented on my hair-- really cool silver and black-- but sometimes more for the courage to NOT color it than the color itself. Then I caved and colored it-I feel less authentic, but honestly, I like not being mistaken for my husband's mother. Phrases like, "that's what I'm talkin' about!", "totally bitchen" and "duuuuude", sound absurd coming out of my mouth, but perfectly normal in my head. It's weird not being able to wear certain styles of clothing simply because, again, I look absurd in them. However, I wouldn't trade who I've become, for who I was, just to be younger. Yeah. That's better.
I guess if I'm doing God's will for me, my days are exactly as they should be, not as I think they should be. So today I will love my family more than I thought possible, ask for peace in my life, and do the footwork to heal my world. And maybe, just maybe, I'll have time to play, time to make that quilt, knit that Aran sweater, and finish that Christmas Angel. God willing.

Stitches East '08

My nails are bitten to the quick waiting for my Stitches East pamphlet to arrive. Just the thought of taking another class with Melissa Leapman, or one with Lily Chin sends shivvers up my spine. I have fallen in love with Maryland, and look forward to seeing the friends I made while there for the Sheep and Wool festival. Good times, good times.

I also love the freedom of spending time with myself. Quiet, unscheduled time, to knit especially, but to answer only to me. I prefer to have a room to myself, and thanks to a very generous DH, will have that gift. I need regrouping time. I mean, spending money on lucious yarn is an exhausting business!

I also love, love, love knitters. They are so diverse, so creative, and though my brain sizzles after talking shop with one or more, I crave the interaction. Wow, I still can't believe I'm going...

Maryland Sheep and Wool Festival

Springtime in Maryland. I couldn't have asked for a better season to visit this state for the first time. I had been invited to the Sheep and Wool Festival by a myspace knitting friend, Sarah. What a gift! It was a new experience for me, traveling totally alone. Besides the speeding ticket I got 10 minutes outa Baltimore airport (first in 31 years!), I navigated well and arrived at the Sheraton Hotel in Columbia none the worse for wear.
The Festival was overwhelming and wonderful. Spending the day with Sarah, all that wool, live animals and spinning wheels galore had me dancing on a cloud. Bought a few things (cashmere yarn for baby, wonderful microfiber ribbon, and fingering yarn for Victorian beaded scarfs as Christmas gifts). Loved every minute of the day.
Tired, but happy, Sarah and I headed back to the Sheraton to regroup before she drove home. Just as we were about to walk in, two ladies stopped us with a bright "can we see your stash?". I was tickled! Two more knitters right here in my hotel. Well, well, well. I was in for a shock. They asked me if I was going to attend the ravelry.com party that night in the hotel. "Ravelry.com?" I asked. Their faces showed it all. Talking over each other, they excitedly relayed to me the wonder of the beta site. Then they invited me to the party-and here I thought I was going to be by myself knitting and watching T.V. all evening!I got to the party early as everyone was rushing around trying to get things set up. Remember, I thought I was gonna be alone in my room knitting my lace scarf all night, and lo and behold I found myself in the midst of a couple hundred excited knitters! I had died and gone to stitching heaven! I made many, many new friends, got to see new yarns not even on the market yet, and listened to the many stories of how ravelry.com was such a gift to the women gathered there.
I left Maryland on Monday, May 5, and early Tuesday morning I was at my computer typing my way onto the waiting list for Ravelry. I got my invitation to join the site last night, May 14. It is amazing. Simply amazing. I have found two friends right away, and regret that I didn't write down more names. I'm looking forward to spending much time organizing my stash, books, mags, needles and entering my info on my page. I can't wait to enter a type of yarn, or pattern, and see what comes up with other knitters who have used what I have. There are pictures aplenty, yarn swaps and sales, and more patterns than I have ever seen on a single site.Well, it's time to get back to my data entry. I'm excited to go back to Maryland next November for Stitches East. My hubby only has one condition-he gets to stay home! Works for both of us-I get to stay up late talking fiber, and he has full control of the remote!
Blessings,Dori