I have come face to face with being middle aged. What a shock. There just doesn't seem to be enough time to do the things left on my wish list. I'm grateful to have the opportunity to do some traveling this year, and am excited to be free to do basically whatever I want. But, what ever happened to the Gansey sweaters and custom designed clothing I was going to knit and sew (and wear), the landscape quilts I was going to create, the beautiful bevy of Angels I was going to stitch, the porcelain dolls I was going to make and hand down? How 'bout the knit shop I wanted to own, the children's books I was gonna write, the voice over work I was gonna get? I look in the mirror and see the legs that are still good (especially in heels), but good "for my age". I used to be complimented on my hair-- really cool silver and black-- but sometimes more for the courage to NOT color it than the color itself. Then I caved and colored it-I feel less authentic, but honestly, I like not being mistaken for my husband's mother. Phrases like, "that's what I'm talkin' about!", "totally bitchen" and "duuuuude", sound absurd coming out of my mouth, but perfectly normal in my head. It's weird not being able to wear certain styles of clothing simply because, again, I look absurd in them. However, I wouldn't trade who I've become, for who I was, just to be younger. Yeah. That's better.
I guess if I'm doing God's will for me, my days are exactly as they should be, not as I think they should be. So today I will love my family more than I thought possible, ask for peace in my life, and do the footwork to heal my world. And maybe, just maybe, I'll have time to play, time to make that quilt, knit that Aran sweater, and finish that Christmas Angel. God willing.
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